It’s been seven months since I first wrote about needing to form Team Tim, seeking support for a young man transported from England to Portland to take care of bureaucratic issues around a visa. (See https://reidvanderburgh.com/2023/02/26/team-tim/ and https://reidvanderburgh.com/2023/02/26/what-a-great-town-we-live-in/ for the back story)
How times have changed… Now, it’s fine to use his real name, Theo; he no longer fears his biological family has any power over the course of his life (and he’s right).
Let’s see… he landed here with Wendy (his UK mom) on January 29. As I write this on July 20… Three days ago, Theo celebrated four months on hormones. His speaking voice is beginning to have baritone overtones to it. I tease him about that, as I’m a baritone in the Portland Gay Men’s Chorus and Theo sang in the first tenor section in the June Pride concert, a Disney extravaganza. I am the baritone section rep, and threatened to be Theo’s section rep were he to sing with the chorus again. As it is, my wife is the first tenor section rep, so he would be switching from one to the other of his current family.
As we were rehearsing the concert, the chorus was told there were opportunities for two-minute storytelling scattered throughout the show. The story category “Life’s a Journey” spoke to me, so I submitted the following story and told it during the concert:
“The path toward happiness in life along the wrong gender trajectory isn’t an easy one. You don’t know it to look at me, but I’m a transman. In 1974, I fell in love with a woman and it seemed to explain everything: ‘No wonder I always felt different, like I didn’t fit in –I must be a lesbian!!!’ However, over the next twenty years or so, I still felt uncentered, not fitting in with myself. Eventually I realized I’d misunderstood my identity back in 1974 – I wasn’t a lesbian, I was a transman.
Long before I transitioned, I ventured forth several times on solo cross-country bicycle trips. I was having lunch in a Midwest café at some point and got to talking with a local guy. When he found out I was riding my bike cross-country, he joked, “That’s what trains and planes are for!” However — Boston was my destination; the journey was my goal.
Do I wish I’d understood myself back in 1974 and transitioned when I was 19? Not really. My journey through life was meant to be convoluted. Do I wish I could have snapped my fingers back in 1995 and hey, presto, I’m a man? No, an authentic life requires a journey, not a snap of the fingers.”
The category that spoke to Theo was “Magical Families,” and he read this during the concert:
“Growing up in a conservative city in California, I understood two things relatively young: One: I was a boy, not a girl. Two: that would not be safe in the family I was born into.
Thankfully, I met my boyfriend online: Jack, who just happened to live in Manchester, England. Two weeks after I turned 18, I ran away from home, boarded a plane from LAX to the UK, and told my biological family not to contact me until they were able to love me not as their daughter, but as their son. The plan was to unite with my boyfriend Jack and begin University in the Fall. When I arrived, I instantly felt more loved and supported by Jack and his parents than I ever had at home. Unfortunately, it quickly became apparent that I didn’t have the time or the funding to secure a Student Visa. We tried everything, but in the end, I would have to go back to the United States until I could get my Visa for the next school year.
Knowing that returning to my biological family was not a safe option, Jack’s mother, Wendy, sent thousands of emails to charities across the US, looking for somewhere I could stay. Months went by with no response, and I had to leave England in only a few weeks. I was terrified. I had nowhere to go. Finally, someone replied: Reid Vanderburgh from the Portland PFLAG chapter. We threw together a plan. As soon as I arrived in Portland, an overwhelming connection and love sprouted… just like it had in Manchester. These people helped me move out here, find a place to live, they saved my life; and, as a bonus, I now sing with PGMC.
As I expected, I haven’t spoken to my biological family since I left California. But with the loss of one family, I’ve gained not one, but two chosen families who I now can’t imagine my life without.”
Wendy and Jack made the journey from Manchester to see this concert. They were here for a magical week. Wendy and Jack both fell in love with Portland, and Wendy told me if she was twenty years younger, she’d transplant her family here immediately. As it is, by the end of their visit we had come up with a new last name for all of us: Vandermingdale, combining all our last names into one. Theo no longer feels he has two families; we are all one family to each other now.
Oh, and by the way – Theo is scheduled for chest surgery Aug. 15. His visa process is well underway, and he will be on his way back to England in early September with all his early transition goals checked off or in process. Thank you: Abigail, Bo, Sue, Mark, Carissa, Jordan, Charlotte, Bridging Voices, the Portland Gay Men’s Chorus, and Portland PFLAG. It’s taken a village.
Reid Vanderburgh 